Healing The Heart

For the first time in my life, I ‘think’ I’m in love with someone and I’m too calm about it.

The day he left it wasn’t a good ending for the both of us. All the wrong things just decided to place itself into the situation and it got blown out of proportion. I know he’s deeply hurt and angry because of one little mistake I did. I know it wasn’t my fault because I was misinformed. But I didn’t bother going all out because I didn’t want to seem needy and desperate, but unfortunately he didn’t seem to think that way.

What do I do?

I wrote him a letter, trying to explain things as he refused to talk to my on his last night. It hurt the way he treated me but I want him to know that I didn’t deliberately abandoned him or make him wait. He’s been gone for 5 days now and I miss him terribly. It feels like he’s the one. I want him to be the one. I’m trying my darnest best not too think of him too much but it hurts inside knowing that he left feeling so infuriated with me.

Tears can no longer flow and my heart can only wait for his reply. If he ever replies.

God, how I miss him.

C baby, I’d do anything just to get you to speak to me again.

I love you, C. I do.

Friday, I’m In Love

Wow! For the longest time I’ve not blogged. I’ve been really busy with so many events in my life. I’m back for now with whatever.

Most of all I want to say this, I think I’m in love. I just met someone (for the shortest time) and it feels like we’re meant for each other. I’m only stating this on my blog because I know my friend wouldn’t believe me. I can’t stop thinking about him. Whatever it is, I told myself to take it one day at a time. C baby, I know you’re at work right now but I can’t stop thinking about last night, even with whatever that happened. I just wish I could see you in your white uniform.

Will someone just stop me from floating up into the sky.

Can I Slap You Now Friday?

I’m generally a friendly person. Everyone knows that. Unless I’m in one of my bizarre moods. Right now I’m probably in one of my grotesque mood. Why? Because I’m having a massive headache and I want to kill someone? You’ll probably notice in the headlines tomorrow:

Venus kills! Men are now not allowed to land on Venus.

You wonder, why is Venus using men as a headline? For some uncanny reason, I just feel like strangling a man right now. Venus loves her man but not this Friday. Cocks and nuts now seem like very smash-able items on the shelf like overly cooked sausages and hard boiled eggs. Does that hurt now boys? Yes, please don’t excuse the bad pun.

Venus despises the world today. She hopes it’ll get better by the end of the day.

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes;
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes;
Silver-white winters that melt into springs

Only if the world was a better place. We can only imagine paradise.

Fookin’ ‘ell! That is so cliched!

Oh yes. Venus is in a very pissy mood.

Getting Back On Track

Life in dollars and cents has been on the positive side however I must learn to be extra frugal with my spendings. Over the course of 12 months I’ve been struggling a lot with it and now I hope it’ll only get better. There are a few items on my wish list and I am eager to at least get one of it as I have been hard (even though my boss doesn’t quite think so).

I deal with a lot of crap and the unnecessary in the office and my boss doesn’t seem to understand that there are a lot of petty jobs I needn’t do. I have given myself an amount of time to clear my shit and what not before I head on to another phase of my life, hence why I need the money!

Whatever it is, I am not letting anything stand in my way of wanting to move on in life. I don’t see any future in my life here (for now or the next five to ten years) and I really need to find myself and explore the world.

Grass is always greener on the other side they say.

We’ll see.

No this is not an April Fool’s day joke.

Sworn to Secrecy

I intended to blog an old grandmothers story about the whole ’secret’ thing but after much deliberation, I’m thinking maybe it’s not so much of a secret after all. It’s just some juicy situation that happened and I’m not suppose to spill it. Why? I really don’t know. Perhaps I didn’t get my facts right, because it only happened once. And it will happen again as I confirmed last night.

I’ve been a naughty girl. I slept with a good friend of mine. We’ve known each other for nearly two years now. We’ve gone out a few times (just as friends) and flirted countless times. We even joked about sleeping with each other but I guess we’re both too chicken shit to do it,…until last Monday.

He text me around past midnight on Monday as I was getting ready for bed. Twenty minutes later, he was in my room. I had to sneak him in as I didn’t want my housemates to think I was some skanky biatch. I’m not. So it happened, so quickly it was as if I had a bullet train in me.

After the session, he said, “Okay, please don’t tell friend A, B, C & D.“

I was like, “Uh, okay. Not single soul is suppose to know about this?“

“Yes, it’s only between you and me. Okay?“

I wasn’t sure about it but I just went along with it, “Okay, you and me.“

He left soon after and text me again saying, “I can’t believe we just ended up being fuck buddies.“, smiling.

I was mortified. oh. my. god. Did we just make the biggest mistakes of our lives? I responded, “So does this mean that whenever you or I want sex, we’d just give each other a call?“

His reply was snappy, “Yes.“

It’s not like I don’t want a fuck buddy but I’ve had my share of fuck buddies gone wrong. I just don’t need another drama.

Now all of you know my secret. Please tell me you can keep it.

Secrets That Are Meant To Be Kept…Or Not

Can you keep a secret? Have you ever told anyone you’re darkest deepest secrets?

I have a secret. But I’m not suppose to tell anyone. Not even my best friend. How do I keep myself from telling anyone? I have impending urge to tell just one person. Will I be breaking the code of conduct?

This is really killing my soul. I’ve been contemplating to tell just one friend. I want her to know. He doesn’t have to know, right?

Okay, maybe I’ll tell her later today. If I’m not too caught up with work.

I’m such a liar sometimes.

.konfused.

I met up with a dear relative recently, whom I’ve not seen in a few months. She invited me out for drinks one night and since it’s been awhile since we talked, there was loads to tell. Once everything was laid out, I found out that she’s in pretty much in the same boat as me when it comes to the ‘love life’.

It’s a breath of fresh air knowing someone who knows exactly how you feel and what you’re going through. After four hours of mindless babbles about the guy we’re seeing, it was crystal clear that we could really do better. This didn’t end there, two nights later we’re at it again with nonstop chimneys and caipirinhas. It was one hell of a session.

We promised each other that we’d keep ourselves update and to encourage and remind each other that we weren’t LOSERS.

Two nights ago, I saw him again with a bunch of friends since I was away for a week. A friend told me that he was bringing a girl with him. It didn’t bother me at first but the moment they arrived, I felt my heart skip the beat. I was certain that I had a million butterflies in my stomach. He never looked so good. I was trying hard all evening to avoid gazing at his handsome face. Now doesn’t that sound like a LOSER to you?

Thank God about an hour later another friend came by and he was one EYE CANDY! That took me off my concentration on him for awhile.

Whatever it is, I’m telling myself to get over it and move on. Somehow every now and I have no choice but to see him because we have the same friends and it would be impossible to completely avoid him. There are times when I would love to ignore him but he’d always try to make conversations.

It’s been hard and I know it’s going to get harder. I need a new eye candy to keep me distracted.

She Said, He Said

“You’re falling for him aren’t you?” she glances at me, waiting for a confirmation.

“I am so not! I just love the way he looks!” assuring her.

“Doesn’t seem that way. I admit he’s a hottie.” she reassured.

Looking straight into her eye, “He’s like an itch I can’t scratch. I don’t even have to touch him and I’m high. What’s wrong with me?!“

“OMGOD, you sound just like me. But seriously, first you said it can’t be and now you’re saying otherwise. What gives?” she asked.

“I know what I said and I honestly can’t tell you because I don’t even comprehend this feeling. It’s weird.” I retorted.

It’s the God honest truth. If I was able to tell myself why I’m so nuts about him, I would. But I don’t and it’s quite frustrating as it is. We’ve been hanging out alot with a group of friends. It’s hard, knowing he’s there but I can’t touch him. Then again, isn’t it good enough that he’s there already?

I remember what we both agreed on, that we’d remained friends no matter what happens. It happened. Twice. Will it happen again? I don’t know. We’re still friends.

God I want him so much.

Getting Out of The Rut

Can I officially say I really despise my job?

I wouldn’t be able to be this open in my other blog, because you never know who’s reading it. I feel like I’m trap in this huge undetonated bubble. The boss is beginning to show signs of deprecation towards me and it isn’t helping that I’ve been compared to with another colleague. Seriously, it doesn’t benefit when it comes to motivational boost.

Life’s too short for mumbo jumbos of unwanted certainties to be happening. Deal or be dealt with. Sigh. Roller coaster of emotions is flooding in right now and I’m drowning.

I’ve been wanting to write for days but I can’t seem to let myself to. As if mopping all night long in my room isn’t despairing enough. Staring at the computer screen for a good long hour, spacing out. Whatever is in the head, it’s not cooperating well enough to sort things out for this languished soul.

To claim that I need a vacation is contradicting enough, it’s not as if I hadn’t had any vacation since New Years. There are times when I’m convinced the world is out to get me, for some uncanny reason. Strangely, it feels that way.

I really go to sway myself to get out of this dysfunctional imbecilic nonsense sooner or later. If I really wanted to be content, that humongous butt of mine needs more than a nudge.

Sucks to be me,…sometimes.

Real elation is when you feel you could touch a star without standing on tiptoe. ~Doug Larson

As Always

…I’m a fool for love.

I’m so crazy for him it’s unbelievable.

I just want every inch of him.